The White Knight Complex

It's 6.30am as I start to type now, and I haven't been to bed. My insomnia seems to be getting worse, but then I've had a pretty stressful week in a mountains-out-of-molehills kind of way.

I figured I should try to bash this out - for posterity, perhaps - because my White Knight Complex came up in conversation with a friend last night, it's a theory I've had knocking about it my head for many years now and, well, I've got nothing better to do... Note than I'm using gender specific pronouns that fit the metaphor. I've known plenty of Damsels In Distress who have been male.

So here's the thing: According to all good fairy tales, the White Knight rides out to rescue the Damsel In Distress from the Evil Dragon. That's the way it's supposed to be, right? That's the way it works, isn't it?

Well, perhaps for the purposes of Fairy Tales, yes... But not in real life. Real life basically messes up the definitions of each role.

So the White Knight rides out to fight the Evil Dragon on behalf of the Damsel In Distress, because he sees her distress - perhaps the Damsel In Distress is actually crying out, too, and it's not just his imagination. He sees what he believes is the cause of the distress, and believes he can do something to remove or, at least, alleviate it. He believes his motives are pure - he's protecting a Damsel In Distress from an Evil Dragon... what could be more perfect? For what other reason is he the White Knight? Things start to go wrong when the Damsel In Distress starts attacking the White Knight, seemingly defending the Evil Dragon.

The White Knight cannot save the Damsel In Distress from her Evil Dragon, because it turns out that's what she wants or, at the very least, what she believes she deserves. Nine times out of ten, if not more, any attempt to effect a 'rescue' will only drive her closer to the Evil Dragon, be it a person or a situation. Looking at it another way, her Evil Dragon is herself - the Damsel In Distress, and the belief that she is where she should be, however much she might say otherwise.

The only Evil Dragon the White Knight can truly ride out against and battle is his own which, as it turns out, is himself - the White Knight, the urge to try to 'save' people... and the belief that this is the only way he can validate himself, and be worthy of attention.

And, just to really confuse things, until the White Knight conquers his own Evil Dragon, he might as well be the Damsel In Distress... because, sure as hell, someone will be seeing him that way.

I would like to think that I have confronted and defeated my Evil Dragon, and so my White Knight Complex is no more. I see the urge begin to form, and I realise it's wrong, it's a mistake, there's nothing I can do.

Sure, I can help people out... but I can't save anyone who doesn't want to be - or see the need to be - saved... And, having had my heart broken the last time I tried, it's something I am highly unlikely to repeat.

The reason this came up in conversation with my friend is that she recently asked me to promise not to pursue a mutual acquaintance, even though I had stated quite emphatically that it wasn't going to happen - I thought I liked her before I knew anything about her - because my friend thought she saw in me the beginnings of the urge to 'save' her*.

I'm not that fucking stupid.

Then again, it's now almost an hour later... and I still haven't been to bed...

Addendum 14/5/2012:
In recent weeks, it has occurred to me that this little dissertation is unfinished because, while it deals with the details of the 'White Knight Complex' itself, it doesn't deal with the big question.

I mean, I'd imagine most people who've read this post (and it is in the top three posts on this blog, in terms of popularity) have found it by searching for the phrase 'White Knight Complex', possibly looking for confirmation that what just happened to them - or what is happening to a friend - is the Complex in action.

So, here's the thing (again)... It's human nature to sympathise with someone who's 'in a bad place', literally or figuratively, and I'd suggest that anyone who doesn't feel even the slightest twinge in their conscience may well have something wrong with them. What's unique to White Knights, however, is the deeply-rooted belief that 'rescuing' the Damsel will somehow bring the two of them together.

It's not a cynical belief. It's not "that person will owe me their love/friendship". It's certainly not a desire to take advantage of a weaker person. It's the - frankly, silly - belief that there will be a happy ending for the both of them, and that happy ending includes being together.

The important thing to remember, just to keep things in perspective, is that it's also human nature to cast off the supports once they're no longer needed.

Look at riding a bike: You start with stabiliser wheels, just to keep you upright. Once you're confident enough with your balance and peddling, you get rid of the stabilisers. You don't look at them, full of romantic nostalgia, and think "you know what, these stabilisers were good to me, and I really like them... I'm going to keep them on the bike."

Another example? Say you break a leg. You get a plaster cast, you get crutches... But once the leg is mended, the cast comes off and the crutches are returned to the hospital. Sure, you might have collected loads of 'get well' messages on the plaster cast, and they mean a lot to you. I'd even concede that some people might be tempted to hang on to the cast because of these messages... But the cast will never be worn again. It will never be needed again. It will only ever be kept in a corner, occasionally receiving wistful glances that gradually become rarer, until the owner finally accepts that "it's just taking up space" and gets rid of it. Even if the same leg were to get broken, you'd get a fresh cast, not reuse the same one.

So really, White Knights, it's not that your Damsel is thoughtless and cruel, selfishly using you then casting you off once they're back on their feet. The problem - the real core issue - is that your expectations are terribly, terribly wrong.

I'm not saying "Don't be the shoulder to cry on", I'm saying a certain level of emotional detachment is advisable required. Just because a Damsel is pouring their heart out to you, doesn't mean you should keep yours wide open to them.

Be strong, be reliable, be there... but don't be a stupid romantic. Injured people are selfish. Deal with it.

(* And, y'know, perhaps it's not my White Knight Complex that's at issue here..?)