So, following on from my diagnosis - by a healthcare professional (albeit a GP rather than a shrink) - as an Unemployed Workaholic Creative Personality, I've got one full week of gainful employment under my belt and another (4-day) week starting tomorrow, with the possibility that my time may be extended if they feel they need me after Easter. Now's as good a time as any to ask myself how I'm feeling.
Considering my temporary employers did such a wonderful job of bolstering my ego, it should come as no surprise that I'm feeling more confident about my next job, despite it being something completely different (it sounds as though it'll be more ferrying stuff around rather than actually getting my hands dirty). Most of my panic about returning to an office-based situation has evaporated. Where I was last week, they had spoken about being busy... but, just like every office I've ever worked in, that sense of pressure would be reduced significantly if everyone cut the chatter and just got on with the work.
But that's just me not considering the human element. Tsk.
Communication is a natural part of the office culture - it mitigates the sense of boredom or frustration of being locked to a desk, builds a sense of camaraderie, etc. - and the fact that the time it helps to pass is time that should be spent of more important things is, really, neither here nor there. The work gets done, and everyone's happy with their contribution.
It was quite telling of that particular situation that one of the folks on my table had a pot of 'After Dinner Conversation Starters' on little sticks, and one or two of these would be drawn out each afternoon. Such questions as "when was the last time you felt guilty?" all tended to produce single-sentence answers rather than promoting actual flowing conversation and, generally, the only answers that got discussed to any degree were mine (to that specific question, I said that I couldn't remember because I don't tend to dwell on it... but subsequently I have realised that I experience pangs of guilt in such silly circumstances as switching on the television to watch Hellcats on Viva... Does that count?). It got me wondering if either the 'After Dinner Conversation Starters' were inherently flawed in some way, or if the folks trying them were simply not willing to be drawn into a conversation on those subjects.
And that could have been a conversation on its own...
That last week has proven to me that memory is a muscle, in that it needs exercise in order to function optimally. Broadly speaking, my memory is excellent. I can remember all kinds of weird things... but, last week, I couldn't recall details of jobs I'd processed only moments before, because the client names were unfamiliar to me, and because their way of working relied so heavily on automated systems that I wasn't interacting directly with troublesome jobs. It also didn't help that some clients could be referred to by several different names... Or that, as well as taking the wheel on one magazine, I was assisting on two others, one of which was less urgent, and all of which had some common advertisers.
I did well, overall, but there were lots of glitches in my performance that I wasn't especially happy with... but that's just me. Again. My temporary boss put it down to not having explained very thoroughly, due to being busy herself... which is entirely accurate... but, still...
But, to return to the root question, how am I feeling?
Well, to be honest, I'm not sure if this is due to the 'relaxing weekend' or just the fact that I've spent a brief period in an office, and now I'm conscious of being out again and, moreover, on to a different office next week, but I'm actually feeling rather down.
Working was a great experience - using my skills and experience, dealing with people as well as artwork, and working on a physical product has always given me a bit of a rush. It's quite obvious when I'm enjoying myself because I become more animated, talkative and energetic... Pretty much all of that has gone again already, though I do still feel proud of the work I did last week (with that little nagging feeling that I missed something that will cost the company money... even though I'm certain that isn't the case). The enthusiasm, and the drive to just do stuff is nowhere to be found, though, and my head is as muddled as it has been during the year-and-a-quarter since I was made redundant.
This seems to confirm a suspicion I raised with my GP - that, while working, whatever's getting me down is pushed aside or compartmentalised because it's not relevant to the task at hand. The self-doubt was there while I was working, but the nigh-constant activity meant I didn't have time to dwell on it. Experience tells me that if the artwork behaves as expected at every point in my processes, it will behave on the press as expected, too, so there's no real reason - other than my own insecurities and self-critical nature - to believe any different.
But work - or, at least, one week of being something approaching vaguely busy in an office - hasn't broken through the dark cloud that's been hovering about me for ages. I'm not really 'in the mood' for sketching, writing (other than this, which doesn't really count, obviously. Duh) or cooking creatively.
I did do the hoovering this morning, though. And I did the dishes. And I put my new telescope together and dismantled the old one (for which I seem to have mislaid the instructions). I even popped down the road to buy supplies for my four-days-or-more this coming week.
So maybe it's just my self-criticism that prevents me seeing that as "something to be proud of"...
Let's see how the coming week plays out.
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