On Internet Dating, Generally

I have probably mentioned before that I tried internet dating some years ago. By and large, it was rubbish. I got two first dates, one of which (briefly) became a semi-regular dating thing. Other than that, there were plenty of false starts, non-responses and general disappointments.

eHarmony claims to be different.

I have probably mentioned before that it is different, to begin with, requiring one to focus on themselves over a series of questions, some of which seem quite abstract, from which it derives a (scarily accurate) picture of who you are. It then makes a mockery of this by requiring the user to input their own 'display profile' in their own words. The system then matches you to people it deems 'compatible', based on the questionnaire, and only allows the user to see their (self-written) profiles.

Here's where it becomes exactly the same as any other internet dating service.

Because the profiles people write for themselves are either hopelessly inadequate (some can't be bothered to write anything for some sections, others will settle for single-word answers), hopelessly ill-judged ("no-one has influenced me in my life", "I can't live without my phone"), or just plain hopelessly riddled with spelling mistakes.

And since one is expected to decide to contact someone based on the profile they see, it's disappointing how few bother to complete them.

eHarmony recommends that one should not base their judgement on the photos (while accepting that physical attraction is important), but then allows for up to 12 photos to be uploaded... And you just know, going in, that however many times they remind you that looks aren't everything, you're only going to get a response from someone who likes the look of you... because you're only going to respond to someone you like the look of, right? The whole point of eHarmony, as they describe themselves, is that you're already matched on 'deep compatibility', so surely you can raise your standards in the looks department?

But responses are what it's all about. One way or another, you have to get into a dialogue - be it email (to begin with) or in person (eventually) - and that's the difficult part.

Why? Well, here's a selection of Internet Dating Truisms for Blokes, courtesy of Yours Truly:

• If there's a free/'icebreaker' contact option, women will use that to make initial contact almost all the time
• If you use the free/'icebreaker' contact option, women are highly unlikely to respond
• Some women will intimate (or state categorically) that they are waiting to be contacted. This means they aren't going to make any first moves. Even if they don't say so, they're probably expecting you to make the first move, because that's how it works, right? Men have to make the first move
• Even those women who decline to upload a single photo will not respond to any man's profile that has no photos
• eHarmony's 'Guided Communication' consists of a great long list of largely boring and inconsequential questions. You choose five and, even if you're responding in kind to a woman who has made a first move via the 'Guided Communication' route, be prepared to have your questions completely ignored if your answers to her questions were in some way unsatisfactory
• If you're choosing 'Guided Communication' as a first contact, be prepared to have your questions completely ignored
• Your baggage in unimportant. Theirs will be a deciding factor in how far any communication goes, up to the first date. From that point on, it becomes increasingly true for every subsequent date until they decide you're worth hanging on to
• Actually, your baggage is very important. At the first hint of an alarm bell, pay close attention. It may lead to one of those utterly dubious "It's Not You, It's Me..."-type farewells, but better than that putting up with the same old shit all over again
• It's important to be as open and honest as possible... but be astute about it. Don't share your innermost thoughts and dreams with someone you've only just met, even if you've been emailing for a while. If they decide not to continue, it's going to seem very insincere (not to say insulting) when they wish you well on something that personal
• The problem with this approach is that they may begin to feel you're hiding something from them. Baggage, remember?

I'll probably add more as time goes on, and experiences build...

Now, I'll be honest here... I tend to write my profiles in such a way that they do not paint me in a 100% positive light. It's as much a warning as an encouragement. I know I can be thoughtless, irritating and tend to dominate early conversations through sheer nervousness. I'm a good man rather than a nice one. Even in person (or should that be especially in person) I will often actively resist people's attempts to get to know me, and will frequently miss important queues from them.

In my personal experience, internet dating is the fastest, most convenient way to meet hundreds of people you'd never want to meet, and I know my experiences are not uncommon... and yet there are success stories out there.