Guilt

Dunno what's come over me this evening... My plan was to get back into writing this evening, but my mind's just not in the right place at the moment.

For some reason, I can start thinking along vaguely positive lines, and then gradually descend into outright maudlin.

The train of thought was roughly as follows:

Following my week off work, I now have a much clearer idea of where I'm likely to be able to find an affordable place of my own.
Of course, due to the vagaries of the property market, I probably don't want to move as soon as I'd like, lest I lose a fair chunk of the value of the house before I move in.
Mortgages are still a worry, despite already having one arranged in principle.
But then, of one of the grandmothers were to die - as has been previously discussed with my folks - I probably wouldn't need a mortgage for the areas I'm aiming at...
That being the case, if that were to come to pass, should I worry about property cost versus imminent drop in property value?
Gosh, now that I think about it, I feel kind of bad that I don't visit my grandmothers very often these days.
But then, on the other hand, it's a deliberate thing because I want to remember who they were at their best. It's bad enough at Christmas, seeing less and less of the women I called 'Grandma' while I was growing up...

And that's really what it is... I want to remember my Globetrotting Granny (father's mother) - who'd pop off to China for a holiday simply because she could - not the poor, frail thing who can't even get herself out of bed, and barely remembers who my parents are.

I see my mother's mother more often because she lives locally. If my folks go on holiday, I'll sometimes pop over to her for an evening meal, so the both of us have some company. She has Alzheimer's, but is still just 'forgetful' rather than completely gone.

I can't imagine what my parents are going through, watching their parents unravel like this. They don't tend to show it (my mother tends to make light of her mother's situation... and then starts playing on her 'brain-training' gadget, or Sudoku, or something) but I'm sure they're horrified by how quickly their condition can change, and has changed in recent months.

Much as I say I don't want to see them as they are now, I'm sure I will soon enough... It'll be either by myself or with my sister, though.