...I'm just an Unemployed, Workaholic, Creative Personality.
Depression is a tricky thing to adequately diagnose, because it comes with a shopping list of symptoms, any of which could point to other causes. I barely slept on Tuesday night due to anxiety about a job interview I was attending on Wednesday (for a temping job - I'm not kidding, I was interviewed for a week-long temporary work placement). My feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness and apathy are because I'm used to an active, high-stress environment, and I'm currently free to do everything at my own pace (which, almost inevitably, is glacial). Thoughts of self-harm are bad, yes... but I'm still capable of putting it into perspective, and seeing the potential repercussions (that is, how it will affect everyone else). Are my mood swings, bouts of indolence and bursts of frenetic activity a sign of some kind of Bipolar Disorder, or is that simply a typical feature of an artistic personality?
But then, is that not splitting hairs?
Simply Googling doesn't offer much help or comfort, despite - and in some cases because of - the vast array of questionnaires available. Out of my strange blend of curiosity and pig-headedness, I filled out a selection of such forms last night. Several pointed to Depression (capital D), one suggested an 'Extremely High' possibility of Bipolar Disorder (curiously only a 'High-Moderate' rating for Cyclothymia, a 'mild form of Bipolar Disorder'). These tests are "for entertainment/education purposes only and do not represent a professional diagnosis". At best, they exist only to give you an indication of whether you should speak to a GP.
The question of Bipolar Disorder versus Artistic Personality muddies the water still further. In many ways, it comes across as a question of "Poh-Tay-Toh, Poh-Tah-Toh". And, on the one hand, BD can be treated chemically... but that tends to just even out the peaks and troughs. On the other hand, if my mind works the way it does because of my creative nature, it surely becomes of question of "would I be willing to sacrifice the peaks to mitigate the troughs?" The possible side-effects of any medication are the basis of my resistance toward any diagnosis of Depression.
My GP presented a very compelling case for my UWCP, and I have to say that just having had the conversation with her has made me feel somewhat better. I was particularly amused by her comment that she was glad to speak to me on this subject because it's very rare that she sees men who think they may be Depressed. I responded that "I am not encumbered with that level of stupid pride."
I left with lots of advice - some, like "try to keep active, try to ensure you do something you can be proud of every day", I'm already very aware of, and have tried to action... but apathy always gets in the way. I can wake up in the morning, make a detailed plan of action, and then completely ignore it. Suddenly it's night time again, and I haven't accomplished anything. Some of the advice - bizarrely - was on the jobhunting front. So I can now honestly say that I've had more useful jobhunting advice from my GP than from a representative of the government's Job Centres.
...And that surely says something about the Job Centres.
No comments:
Post a Comment