Just Visiting...

My mother sent me a text message during the week, inviting me to pay a visit over the weekend. Since my plans were woolly to say the least, I suggested popping over for dinner today.

Which I did.

And it's probably very sad, and very telling of my relationship with my family, that these visits are becoming less frequent and more uncomfortable all the time. I'm not even sure what the problem is... But whenever I go over, all my folks are ever doing is lounging around reading or occasionally watching TV. It's hard enough to start a conversation, and damn near impossible to keep it going for any significant length of time. They say they'd like to see me, and that's pretty much all that happens. Sure, I get a meal out of it, and for that I'm very grateful... but it's not even as if I'd told them all the news from work on the phone.

Perhaps they "don't want to pry" and are waiting for me to tell them all about the amazing things I don't have time for because of my ridiculous job... I certainly fill them in on the stupidity of the Salespeople, the complications of the new system, and all manner of other work news.

I ended up deciding to leave shortly before 9pm, grabbing a few bits and bobs from my old bedroom along the way.

Overall, it was crushingly dull and I suspect that's part of the reason I forget about visiting for the most part.

Still, this coming week, my sister is popping back with the baby, for another checkup at Great Ormond Street, and I've been invited round for dinner on Thursday. That might be a bit more lively.

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Horror of Horrors

There's something decidedly off about Horror movies these days. I may not be the greatest of connoisseurs, and my viewing preferences may tend toward sci-fi horror rather than out and out horror, but I reckon I can see an alarming trend in any genre.

By and large, as the Scream series so ably demonstrated, there are set 'rules' to the horror genre. These have been flipped on their heads lately, with the 'No-One Survives' type of film... and it's these that I find most odd, particularly when the other 'rules' are followed.

I recently saw Cabin Fever on TV and, last night, decided to watch Final Destination 3 (since the fourth in the franchise, cunningly named The Final Destination, is in cinemas now). The former broke several rules (most notably by having not one single likable character... though perhaps that's just me), the latter followed the franchise template to the letter, making it slightly predictable.

Cabin Fever was the tale of a group of 5 college friends who had rented a cabin out in the woods in some nameless American backwater. The closest thing to civilisation nearby was a general store manned by an effeminate, apparently racist Father Christmas lookalike, with a mentally disturbed child sat out front, prone to biting anyone who came near. The child's father was on hand to 'protect' the boy, but this wasn't enough to prevent him biting one of the protagonists. Since the film opened with the introduction of the flesh-eating virus, this bite had me thinking "Ah, so now that guy's going to be mysteriously immune to the virus..."

I turned out to be wrong.

The protagonists comprised: The Arrogant Guy and His Girlfriend, The Moron, The Supposedly Likable 'Normal' Guy and The Girl He's Known and Secretly Loved Since Childhood. The Moron kicked things off by accidentally shooting a guy who had become infected, leading to him later showing up at the cabin and causing trouble (largely by coughing blood all over their car). He's driven off when 'Normal' Guy sets fire to him. Unfortunately for all involved he winds up dead in the reservoir that supplies the cabin with water. Eventually, all but Arrogant Guy (who ran off to hide with the beer) end up infected and dead one way or another, but he ends up getting shot by local police. Whether this is because of the rumoured 'murderous rampage', or simply to contain the virus (which the locals seem to know all about) is not entirely clear, but it seems to be the latter. The film ends by tracing a line from the death of 'Normal' Guy (lying in a stream having been pitched over a cliff by a local deputy who was supposed to be driving him to the next town) to the general store, where local kids have made lemonade from the tainted water. Not only this, but a truck is seen driving away, displaying the livery of the local bottled springwater. Not only is the virus not contained, but it's about to spread.

There's also a wild dog involved. It seems to eat people who are infected with the virus. Not sure why... Nor do I understand why it's not affected by the virus, when the first victim shown in the film is another dog. The local deputy at first seems to befriend 'Normal' Guy, but fails to bring the group the help they need, and simply accepts the 'murderous rampage' story at face value... Of course, it's true (from a certain perspective), because 'Normal' Guy has, by this point, killed several people... but there were vaguely mitigating circumstances. The mentally disturbed child - who, at one point and for no discernible reason, shows off some martial arts skills - ends up biting The Moron, and seems to be aware of the virus by the taste of his blood... but this is not explained. Nor is the 'kit' some of the locals have, stashed in a small wooden box they take along to the cabin... is it a cure, or is it a convoluted means of ensuring the death of victims..? Also not explained. And the apparent immunity of the 'Normal' Guy turns out to be false when he falls into the reservoir with the dead body of the guy he set fire to near the beginning.

The 'joke' about the rifle in the general store would have been almost funny if the punchline weren't so strained and unlikely but, in a film so woefully short on comic relief (and what little there was didn't make me laugh), I guess they wanted to introduce a lighter note before the ominous ending. Not exactly a satisfying conclusion.

Same deal, more or less, with Final Destination 3. The first film tantalised the viewer with a survivor, and the second tantalised further by offering the chance that Death can be stopped by creating new life. In each, there were clues about each impending death... and it's these clues that are the focus of the third movie. The filmmakers went to great effort to give the clues multiple possible meanings, and then alternate between going with an obscure interpretation or a blatantly obvious one. Some of the deaths are clever, some are just plain daft... but FD3 slipped up quite badly when it killed one character who didn't even have a speaking park - she just happened to be sat next to another victim (who was also a fairly minor role). It also veered off the tracks laid by the first two by repeatedly sparing three of the protagonists from their grizzly deaths... right up until the end of the film, several months after the fairground accident, when all three meet up on a train which then crashes, killing all on board.

The problem with both is that I really just didn't care what happened to any of the characters. I may have sympathised slightly with two of the characters in FD3, but I didn't care about them. Perhaps this was because, by the third film, I pretty much knew they were going to die, so it didn't matter... but this seems like a daft way of making movies.

That said, when I think about it, why does one root for the protagonist of a horror movie? More often than not, they are simply presented as 'The Protagonist'... occasionally, 'The Hero'... but the only thing that connects them to the viewer is their continued survival in the face of horrific death. Some movies spend their first half hour or so developing characters, others just offer a fleeting glimpse of the meat that's about to be splayed open.

I think one of the worst horror movies I've seen in recent years was Alien vs Predator: Requiem, for many reasons. First and foremost, though, it screwed up the characteristics of the Predator race (lots of killing without honour) and tried too desperately to link in with the first Alien movie (the ship that carried the Alien eggs is suggested to have been of Predator origin). It also featured far too much needless grotesquery - the oral impregnation with Aliens of the women in the hospital's maternity wing by the hybrid 'Predalien' being an image that will stick with me for far too long.

Perhaps horror movies have the same problem as genre television: the new proponents are those who have grown up watching that genre, and understanding its tricks, but not quite understanding how it's put together and made to work.

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Misassembled

OK, First off, the Auto Assembly 2009 Haul:


There we have...
Revenge of the Fallen Voyagers Mixmaster and The Fallen, Henkei Inferno (the unboxed ones... what can I say, I was impatient, and wanted to play about with them!), Universe 2-pack Springer vs Ratbat, Alternity Convoy, Encore 15 & 17 (G1 Cassette sets: Ramhorn/Steeljaw/Ratbat/Slugfest & Eject/Rewind/Ravage/Buzzsaw), Henkei Ratchet, TFClub accessory sets TFC-003 Screamer's Coronation & TFC-004 Gears of War.

Probably quite a meagre haul, considering what was available - I passed on Alternity Megatron for the time being, several other Encores, several other Henkei, many, many RotF figures, and all kinds of other cool stuff - but I kept to my self-imposed strict budget of about £350, and managed to come away with enough money to buy lunch at work this week. This haul also represents the things I felt I had to get: Henkei Inferno and Ratchet have better colour schemes than their Universe equivalents, and some chrome on crucial parts, The Fallen and Mixmaster were substantially cheaper than they would be if they were currently available in the shops (Deluxes were cheaper too, but by a smaller margin, otherwise I might have grabbed loads... Dead End, Chromia, Mudflap, Ravage... etc). The TFClub stuff is hard (or expensive) to come by over here, tending only to be available internationally or via eBay, the Springer/Ratbat set may not be released over here (not anytime soon, anyway) and is too cool to pass up, the Encore cassettes both supplement and replace parts of my original G1 collection (Ratbat being one in particular I've wanted for most of 20 years, and Buzzsaw replaces my old, broken one), and I felt i had to sample Alternity.

I'm pretty happy with all of it but, to be honest, when I got it all home and unpacked the bags, I found myself wondering "is that really all I bought?"

The show wasn't that great. I'd actually hoped to do the whole weekend, but came away (relatively early!) on Saturday feeling that there just wasn't that much to do other than wander round and buy things. Considering how bad I am at 'just browsing', I was basically done buying stuff within the first hour of the show. In particular, most of what I bought came from one stall - Xybertoys, manned by the excellent (but very much overstretched) Aaron. I honestly don't know how he managed to stay polite with that many drooling, sweating TF fans blocking his way every time he tried to deal with a sale.

The much-vaunted programme of events was as sparse in print as it had been online (far too much listed as 'To Be Confirmed'), and the few events there were seemed desperately unstructured. What I saw of the kitbashing workshop, for example, wasn't so much a workshop as a 'Show & Tell' with a pile of spare parts on one table, and paints and brushes on display on another. The problem with this is exactly the same as Joust's 'Living Mediaeval Village'... We Brits just don't tend to want to get involved unless there's something specific to get involved with. A kitbashing workshop would have to follow the formula of BotCon, and have a specific project, for which everyone had the same parts and paints... but the individual details are left up to the punters. Sure, there were a couple of attendees with their own kitbashes... but one seemed to fox the folks running the workshop - Kup made from Energon Snowcat and an original G1 Kup head. Seemed pretty straightforward to me...

I was also a little annoyed that so much of the (very loud) opening ceremony was given over to introducing the AA staff... I'm sorry, call me grumpy if you will, but one does not show off "the people that made this happen" until the end of the first day at the very earliest. You let people experience the event before asking them to applaud those that arranged it.

Which brings me to the MC for the day. Sure, Simon and Sven (the latter being notable by his absence this year) weren't particularly good comperes, but they guy they had this year got very annoying, very quickly. While the star guests told us how much all the AA staff cared about the show, our MC frequently reminded the audience that he needed a beer. Tacky, annoying, unprofessional...

It didn't get off to a good start - my companion and I arrived just after 9am (intended doors-open time), only to spend the next half hour or so in a queue, with very little idea of what was happening. Some people seemed to be drifting in regardless of the queue, but these turned out to be guests rather than attendees (sorry, but they were all a shabby-looking lot... God, I sound like such a snob). Before we'd even got inside, my companion was getting bored and had started on the name-calling and character assassination of others in the queue.

When the queue finally started moving, registration was complicated by the fact that the registration desk was in the main hall, rather than in the side hall/bar area. I suspect many people headed straight for the comics stall thinking that was Registration. This also meant that they missed the Hasbro stand (but then, as the guy manning it pointed out, Hasbro had supplied him with things that were already in the shops - some of the vendors at the show had newer stuff. Bizarrely, the TransFormers Collectors' Club was also represented. Whether they signed up any new members seems doubtful, considering they were strategically placed for minimal impact.

Once inside, my companion frequently pointed out overexcited TF Fans who were shaking like addicts and floundering around, completely unaware of anything other than the lumps of plastic in their sweaty hands, the bizarre dress-sense of some attendees (including, but not limited to, a few girls who'd come dressed as G1 Seekers, whose wings got very annoying, very quickly - both to them and to other attendees), and how sad it was that people were being asked to get excited over mere Colourists ("it's just not that big a deal...").

The PA was set far too loud, and had many in the audience sticking their fingers in their ears, particularly when the MC and some guests (notably not Gregg Berger or Ian James Corlett) basically shouted into the microphone. Even the later ones, who had heard how loud it was.

Part of my companion's problem is that she has organised similar events and, apparently, done it better. The first Auto Assembly almost had her strangling Sven and Simon and, while this one was certainly bigger, the 2007 event - she felt, in retrospect - was better-planned and laid out in a more sensible fashion. Over the last few months, I honestly believed she didn't really want to go, since she avoided registration for so long... and kinda still do, considering the amount of complaining she did. Even lunch (in the hotel's sandwich bar, no connection to the show) wasn't good enough.

In a quick pre-lunch break from AutoAssembly, we popped into a comics show, just round the corner from the hotel entrance... they had a nice selection of stuff... including a graphic novel that was a collaboration between a writer whose name now eludes me (and I can't be bothered to look it up right now) and the writer/artist of Stray Toasters (whose name is difficult to spell, and I can't be bothered to look that up either). With bags deposited back in the car, we returned to the show just long enough to hear that they'd set a new record and, at that point, very nearly reached 500 attendees, had one last turn around the stalls - my companion was tempted by a Mighty Muggs Bumblebee, but decided to buy nothing as she's strapped for cash right now. I'd picked her up a transforming Bumblebee (the translucent yellow limited/exclusive Legends Bumblebee from the first film) for her collection, so she didn't leave completely empty handed.

One the way back, I think she summed it up pretty well: Unless the programme of events can be beefed up, so that there's always something going on, many of the people who attended this year won't be returning next year, as there simply isn't enough to occupy anyone but the die-hard fans. Hell, on the strength of this one, I'm not entirely sure I'd want to go to next year's.

Don't get me wrong - for anyone active in the UK TransFormer fan communities, it's probably wonderful. Meet up with all the folks you argue with online, see the UK's most extensive collection of Lucky Draw TransFormers (for the last time, according to the owners), meet and greet voice actors and artists... But the main stage was unused (apart from the G1 cartoons showing on a very big screen) for far too long, and having the stalls around the edges of the seating area made it very difficult to get anywhere quickly. Maybe they need an even larger venue, so they can more effectively zone it - separating the stage area from the commercial parts, and keeping the 'alternate programme' events closer to the main event.

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Yo J.O.E.

Back when I was in school, there were two really big toylines: TransFormers and Action Force. One was a completely new line (though derived from several original Japanese lines) while the other was a distillation of Action Man, reinvented in the form of smaller, less articulated action figures with molded costumes and plenty of accessories.

Of course, Action Man and Action Force were the UK's names for G.I. Joe

And so it came to pass that, twenty-something years later, and following on from the success of the live-action TransFormers movie and its sequel, Revenge of the Fallen, Hasbro and Paramount have joined forces once again, to create G.I.J.O.E.: The Rise of Cobra.

The subtitle alone tells you this will be the first of many.

First off, I have to say it's a far better movie than Revenge of the Fallen. It's more coherent, more straightforward, and has none of the teen-oriented testicle gags. Where it's played for laughs, it's not incongruous. The characters feel closer to what one would expect of a real-world versions... and it's highly unlikely that Duke will ever grab Destro by the chin and growl "Give me your face!". Not least because, considering how Destro's mask was dealt with, I don't think it comes off...

On the flipside, I have to say it's not as thrilling a ride. A couple of times I found myself thinking "come on, get on with it..." while waiting for the next action scene. It's also full of clichés, not only from the old animated series but in general story terms. Worst of all, it's far more obviously an advertisement for toys than RotF... bizarre, when you consider that was a movie about transforming robots based on a toyline full of transforming robots. This is a movie about an elite global military task force, and the beginnings of their high-tech and lethal enemy, also based on a toyline... and yet you'll spend much of your time wondering how cool the toy of this vehicle or that will be. The real shame of it is that things like the Accelerator Suits will be far less cool in toy form.

The beginnings of Cobra Commander and Destro are handled in a very interesting fashion - Destro being very much the leader of the terrorist organisation at the beginning, only for the roles to be suddenly and dramatically reversed right at the end. The Baroness is rather more shakey. Back when she was blonde, she was Duke's love interest... but when Duke fails to protect her brother in "Northern Africa", and subsequently can't face her again, she dyes her hair black and shacks up with a French baron (do the French still have a Nobility? I though their little revolution put a stop to that kind of thing...) and becomes involved with a military armaments magnate on the side. Supposedly she's only evil because of a bit of high-tech mind control... and kind of turns good in the end... but in such a way as to let you know she'll be evil again in the sequel.

In fact, most of the characters got their fair share of screen time and backstory, another improvement over the TransFormers franchise so far. They had a brief flashback to some significant event that marked a turning point in their life. It was smoothly done, and served to flesh out these super soldiers more than adequately. The only exceptions were General Hawk, Heavy Duty and Scarlett... but perhaps they'll be explained further in the sequel.

Yes, it has it's fair share of flaws and plotholes, and it's not as balls-out (pardon the expression) action as RotF... but as a movie, it's definitely better, bar the obvious marketing. That said, it's clearly not doing as well as RotF - the cinema in which I saw GIJOE:RoC seemed only to be showing it on one screen and, while the RotF packed out the cinemas on the two occasions I saw it, GIJOE:RoC wasn't even half full, two days after its release.

I may try to see it again, just to help it along, because it deserves a sequel.

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Niece News

Well, while there may have been an unexpected second operation, my niece has recovered incredibly well. We were expecting her to be discharged from Great Ormond Street to a hospital closer to home, but she's actually been discharged straight home already.

My folks have gone along to lend moral support and generally cluck and fuss over the baby, and my brother-in-law's parents will be taking over such duties at the weekend.

Work has been pretty crummy, but that's about par for the course. The new system is rolling in whether we like it or not (and, on balance, we do) and whether we're ready or not (I've had just about enough time to lose my notes to a desk clearance, and discover that the system doesn't have a great deal entered into it to practice with).

Tickets for Auto Assembly are booked, but for Saturday only, and it looks as though it's going to be a day trip, rather than the usual weekend away... Kind of ironic, really, that the first time I won't be coming home to my folks, I'm not really going away.

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